Okay so I know a year isn't very long - trust me it's just blown by - but I've still learned SO MUCH. I have to share it. These last 366 (leap year folks) have been absolutely amazing. I love the woman I've become and I love all of the valuable lessons I've learned. After all, we all knew I was going to have to learn some! Going from 2.5 years of long distance to being married, inseparable, and living together is quite a leap (although I STILL don't believe in living together before marriage, but I'll save that discussion for another day). Most married couples (whether they've been married for one year or 40 years) will tell you this: "marriage is not all sunshine and roses. There are lots of challenges. There's constant sacrifice, giving up things you love, arguing, disappointments, and lots of moments where you feel like giving up." I think a lot of couples that are getting married nowadays don't heed this, and really do think that marriage will be all sunshine and roses. I mean, if they're coming from the culture of instant gratification, is this surprising? Many are all get and no give, and that doesn't fly in marriage. Now I know that by all appearances, it seems like I likely didn't expect there to be hardships in marriage; and I'm not offended! I'm typically a very naive person. But on this front, I was actually very well-aware that there would be many difficulties, tragedies, and crosses accompanied by my beloved. It's funny because I NEVER would have learned this from my sweet parents. I have never EVER seen them fight. Maybe they complain or disagree from time to time (hey, they're human!), but I have never seen a hardship break them, and I never seen them not give their suffering to Jesus. They were so brave in all of their trials that by looking at them, I definitely thought marriage would be all sunshine and roses (my mom is probably laughing at me right now). To put it simply, they make marriage look easy and they're totally goals. So while I didn't necessarily learn about this from my most selfless parents, I did learn it from reading, romantic relationships, and friendships. I learned that I could marry literally the most virtuous person (I'm talking like a Pier Giorgio Frassati man) and there would still be difficulties. Because hard as we try, human beings can be selfish, prideful, and unforgiving. Luckily, we can both agree that being married is difficult. Despite this, we've found so much joy in the growth that we provide each other and in the little moments we share together. So even though I'm not very experienced, and surely have MANY more lessons to come, here is my take on on our first year of marriage (also feel free to check out my spouse's take). Lesson #1: Never go to bed angry: a myth I've heard dozens of married couples (especially while we were engaged) say that you should never go to bed angry at your spouse. I was like "yeah okay that's great advice, I will definitely work to avoid that at all costs." Come to find out, it's actually a pretty lame piece of advice. Going to bed angry has been one of the biggest tools in our communication belt! To each couple their own, but this is something that has really worked for us. We found that when we would carry a fight into the night and past our bedtime, we would both stoop to a nasty level. Whether it was the exhaustion, saying the same exact thing for extended periods of time, or just needing a break from the shame and frustration, trying to finish an argument before bed is a battle. However, when we go to bed mad, we wake up with a whole new perspective of the argument at hand. We've had a full night of sleep (I yell and cry when I'm even the tiniest upset, so I always conk out pretty easy) and sometimes even a snack. We've been able to mull over the other person's point of view. We've cooled off and have refrained (mostly) from saying anything too hurtful. After waking up next to the beloved, we're always able to solve a problem, ask for forgiveness, or communicate our sentiments in a clearer way. Thankfully we don't fight very much, but I'm grateful that we've found a technique that helps us to more clearly and kindly communicate with each other. It's not what I expected, but as someone who would rather eternally run from problems than discuss them, it's granted me a lot of peace in our differences. Lesson #2: All the chores! Leading up to marriage, and I'm talking like a decade before (LOL), I spent time practicing doing chores, penances, and little sufferings, so that the crosses of marriage would be something my small and broken soul could handle without too much complaining. I'm not saying it 100% worked, but I'm so glad I put the time into trying to form those virtues, because it can be all too easy to complain in marriage. In regards to chores, I have learned that there are two different approaches you can take to doing chores in marriage. I actually believe that you need to have a well balanced diet of both approaches or things will start to get rocky. Here they are: 1) Ask your spouse for help with chores. If something is stressing you out or you're tired of doing a particular task over and over again, communicate to them how you're feeling. Odds are there is something that they don't like doing; if they don't like something you don't like, you can take turns, but it's more than likely that you'll have totally different chores that drive you bonkers! Instead of complaining and groaning about everything there is to do, ask for help. Your partner, your other half, your yoke-sharer, promised to be true to you. In good times and bad. They will help you with chores. And if they don't, a couple of reminders of their wedding vows is likely to move them along! 2) Do as many chores as you can, by yourself, without complaint. I know we all reach that breaking point (LOL I feel like I reach it every dang day), where we feel like we do everything and our spouse does nothing. But if your spouse only gives you a tiny ounce of love a day (hopefully it's so much more than that), he's doing SOMETHING. Here is why I suggest doing as many of the chores by your self that you can PEACEFULLY handle: graces and merit. The salvation of souls and the conversion of sinners. St. Therese's Little Way is the perfect example of how God provides grace for even the most menial tasks and also builds up merit for the penitent. By willingly, faithfully, and silently doing chores for our spouses, we can do two AMAZING things: grow in patience, humility, and charity ourselves, and offer up our daily duties for our most beloved spouse. Don't get me wrong, most of the time I do complain. But when I do remember the great good I could be doing by sweeping the dust off the floor, folding his underwear, or scraping the egg-encrusted skillet, I feel so much better doing it with purpose. Love is so much more rewarding than spite. And like I said above, I think these both need to be taken into account. Undoubtedly. Because one approach alone is too heavy a burden. Combined, however, following both approaches enables you to be in a full sprint towards Heaven while also calling out to your spouse to join you. Lesson #3: God's timing with Pregnancy This lesson must be followed by a deeply sincere and extremely embarrassed apology. Growing up I firmly believed, by every fault of my own, that if you did not have children immediately after you were married, you were living sinfully. I backed this up with what all couples married in the Catholic Church proclaim before all present: they vow to God and to their spouse that they will be open to the gift of children, and will raise and educate those children in the Catholic Faith. Now I think some of my judgment can be pinned on my ignorance, but I'm still ashamed to say that I've often thought very poorly of newlywed couples who do not immediately welcome children into the world. It is really difficult for me to admit this, because I really think this is something I will have to answer to God for; my lack of charity in thoughts (and even sometimes in speech and deed) are something that could have potentially turned people away from the Faith. So here is the lesson in all of this: I have learned that being open to life does not mean that you automatically get pregnant. God has a different plan for every family, and this is something I really didn't understand until I myself started experiencing it. It is never, ever right to condemn a family for their lack of children. Here are a list of factors that can be a burden on a couple trying to bring children into the world, that never EVER entered my mind before August 16, 2019: 1) Health issues 2) Struggles to conceive 3) Unannounced miscarriages 4) Financial burdens 5) Past trauma that negatively effects sexual intimacy I have to add that I really and truly believe that being open to life is an essential aspect of a happy marriage (free, total, faithful, and FRUITFUL). It breaks my heart to see couples who do not want children. But because of my past judgment and my future hope, I'm working towards finding a balance. I want to mourn with couples who are open to life, but are patiently waiting as God seems to have other plans. I want to admonish those who can't see the great gift that children are. To all you who I have offended and judged, my deepest apologies. I'm so sorry. If you were struggling to conceive and I thought ill of you, I am so sorry. And If you've been pregnant in the past year and I've been jealous of you, I'm so sorry. I hope you can forgive my wrongdoing, even if you were unaware of it, and I hope you can help me to rise above this. Women have to build each other up! While this has been one of the more painful lessons, I'm so blessed by the opportunity God has given me to truly align my will with His. Pray that I will keep striving to do so and that I will foster a love for married couples who have a story different than my own. Lesson #4: Act of love during fights There is one thing that Nicholas has always been STELLAR at: whenever we get into a fight, argument, disagreement, or what have you, he is sure to show me affection or love in some way during the whole debacle. He's pretty reliable with this tactic to; I'd say he does it about 86.73% of the time (email me if you wanna check my math on that). Let me explain the scheme to you. As I mentioned earlier, I am NOT a fighter. I run away, I cry, I say totally insulting things that aren't even true, I bring up past mistakes...I play pretty dirty, and am hardly ever fair. Whenever we're in one of these situations, when the argument is at its climax and when it seems like nothing will ever get resolved, Nicholas loves me. He'll grab my hand, he'll hug me, he'll hold me, he'll kiss me. In those heated moments, when he probably likes me the least, he makes sure to remind me that he loves me. It's honestly infuriating! I could remain mad for days, but when he does that, when he lays down his sword and proves that the vow he took is so much greater than just being right about something, it hits me so hard (probably the oxytocin release LOL). And it would be sweet enough if he only did it when he realized he was wrong, but I have to admit, he often also does it during arguments where I'm the one that needs to do the apologizing. These magnificent acts of love, of HUMILITY, have really offset my prideful stance in arguments, and taught me that no disagreement is worth disrespecting and demeaning your spouse. The person you've promised to love and to honor all the days of your life. I hope over time I'll become better at laying down my own sword, and making Nicholas feel known and loved, but for now I have quite a ways to go. Lesson #5: How to avoid a mundane marriage: well-balanced lifestyle Okay this one should be pretty obvious, but in case it's not, I have to throw it out there. Something we made a quick resolution against was not to fall into a boring day to day routine of doing the same boring things. For most, it goes like this: Work, dinner, TV, bed. Work, dinner, TV, bed. Work, dinner, TV, bed. Work, dinner, TV, bed. Work, dinner, TV, bed. We both knew that we would lose our minds if we fell into this pattern. We also knew that if we worked to have variety in our routines we would be much happier individually and as a couple. By building the habit of well-balanced lifestyle NOW, we hope to share this with our children. There are four main categories of growth that we prioritize daily: 1) Spiritual 2) Intellectual 3) Physical 4) Emotional/mental Here is what each one looks like in our routine: 1) We make a daily commitment to prayer. My favorite habit that we have formed is something we learned about just hours after our sacramental union. A couple that we greatly admire approached us at our wedding reception to tell us at what exact time during the wedding mass we were officially married. They proceeded by telling us that everyday (like they themselves do) we should pray for each other at that time, whether we're together or apart. We immediately set daily reminders on our phones: pray for the beloved! And every day at 6:10 pm, we offer up a prayer for each other's sanctity. Besides prioritizing this, we also work to say a rosary, a divine mercy chaplet, night prayer, spiritual reading or some other personal prayer during the day. After all, if a habit of prayer isn't prioritized in early marriage, when there are no kids and life is less chaotic, it likely never will be. Now is the time! 2) We make a daily commitment to bettering our minds. This is most often seen in our choice of books, but we also try to live it out by having intellectual conversations. I've been spending my time reading classic literature, and Nicholas really enjoys history and astrophysics. I want to keep my mind sharp and alert; the best way to do this is a daily dose of stimulating your brain! 3) We make a daily commitment to exert ourselves physically. Every single day we make sure to exercise! I think this one is super important. As Elle Woods says: "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't kill their husbands, they just don't." Not only is this a great outlet for stress, frustration, and anxiety, it feels awesome to be able to accomplish something. While we try to run 10+ miles every week and I do daily cardio workouts, we also enjoy just going on simple walks with each other. Something is better than nothing! I contribute a large portion of my joy and contentment to how frequently I exercise. It's also a great tool for spiritual combat! Train the body to obey the mind. 4) We make a daily commitment to being there for each other emotionally. One thing we ALWAYS do is have an emotional or mental health check in with each other. It's not something that I feel like I have to check off the to-do list when he gets home, but something I desire to do because I care so deeply about him. Even if the conversation is interrupted by doing dishes, cooking dinner, the tv in the background, or a neighborhood dog, we've determined that it's really important to spend time listening to how the other is doing. Especially with me working from home and Nicholas starting school for his MBA, we need to clearly communicate how we're holding up. Thankfully, unlike most men I've met, he's really good at listening to me gab about my feelings; he usually only zones out a couple times per conversation! If you've made it this far, congratulations! You know have a full mental file cabinet of Juliana Martin's experiences with the first year of marriage. I'm sure you have learned or will learn many lessons in marriage. Thank you for hearing what I have to say and for your role in our lives. Please keep us in your prayers as we try to follow God's Will. Also, praying that we have some little Martin rugrats soon wouldn't be a bad idea either! So many blessings! In Him, through Her, Jules “Love is never something ready made, something merely 'given' to man and woman, it is always at the same time a 'task' which they are set. Love should be seen as something which in a sense never 'is' but is always only 'becoming', and what it becomes depends upon the contribution of both persons and the depth of their commitment.” -POPE ST. JOHN PAUL II [Love and Responsibility]
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ME!I am currently fulfilling my Leslie Knope public servant dreams by working for the Kansas Department of Transportation as a civil engineer. In the spring of 2020, I graduated from Benedictine College, where I met my husband and very best friend, Nicholas Andrew Martin. He currently works for the school's Marketing Department as their Social Media Specialist. We love living in Atchison, our dumpy yet absolutely wonderful small town. We travel to St. Joseph Missouri for our new parish, St James. We have a newfound love for Traditional Latin Mass and feel so blessed that we have such wonderful parish that has the extraordinary form nearby! Everyday is filled with laughter in our home, as we are persistently working on growing in happiness, healthiness, and holiness. Catholicism is my life, my great joy - I try to align my life so that it is the center and focal point. My hobbies include: |